Kill Suicide: Your Life’s Not Your Own

Have you ever been so depressed that you just wanted to “go away” because the problem(s) you’re dealing with never go away? I have to admit I’ve had these thoughts on many occasions—this may sound somewhat suicidal. I never came close to acting on them, though, because I know that my life is not my own. Because I have the knowledge that heaven exists, I have on a number of occasions somehow dangerously justified to myself in my mind that taking one’s own life that’s saved by grace is okay. The reality of death to me was and is a beautiful thing, because what’s waiting on the other side is eternally peaceful. Although my idea of accepting death as a beautiful thing is good, it never is anyone’s right to kill oneself.

It’s easy to shriek when hearing someone talking about death and depression as if no one else thinks about these things. I believe what makes these thoughts healthy or dangerous is the frequency of these thoughts occurring, as well as your heart and actions in response to them. I really think the same thing goes for lusting, which has been a prevalent topic throughout this blog as well as the reason why this blog came into existence. It is never okay to lust, nor is it ever okay to commit suicide, but the truth is, everybody has these kinds of thoughts enter their minds every so often. What you do about them is what matters.

Let me tell you why I have had suicidal thoughts in my past—or at least why I have at times been depressed to the point of wanting to vanish. Prior to being married, I had a lot of issues from outside factors I couldn’t control. One of these factors was situational—a hardship I couldn’t get out of. It had to do with my family, who was loving in every way, yet put me in an endless circumstance I couldn’t bear. Although I had substantial reasons to be miserable, I kept my hopes up and prayed for years for God to take me out of that picture, and He so miraculously did. My family is doing well, and God blessed me with my own family to start by leading me to the path of marriage. The story doesn’t end there, and in fact, the story of my singlehood isn’t what I really wanted to share.

After being married, I knew that problems weren’t going to stop coming. Don’t get me wrong—I am loving my marriage, and my husband is a wonderful man! I couldn’t be any happier if I were with someone else or single. When I said after marriage, I was really referring to the current period of my life (today) and not the marriage itself. Thank God! I have a healthy marriage with a loving and committed man. The point that I was making was about the totality of life and problems never going away no matter how much things change. I was often told that marriage would not be the solution to my problems, and I sure did know this deep down in my heart. I was prepared to enter into yet another challenge, knowing that God is present in my life. Everybody has problems, but not everybody takes advantage of the gift of comfort God provides.

Going back, the dark areas in my thoughts come from the hopelessness I feel for the world around me, particularly regarding sexual purity. I don’t just see lust happening outside of my marriage; I also see it happening on the inside. Because I am so strongly against sexual immorality and pornography, it hurts me most to see it happening all around me as well as to know that my dear husband is constantly struggling to keep his mind pure from images in his past and all around him. Although I welcome my husband’s honest and humble confessions to me about his thought life and past sexual experiences, it kills me every time I hear or think about this. Even though this is tormenting me inside, I believe couples still need to share their faults with each other so that they might help each other and be accountable (Galatians 6:2). Both hearing him confess about his struggle and asking him to be prayed for also help me to stop being selfish for attention and to focus on helping him through prayer and accountability (which doesn’t necessarily mean distrustfully monitoring every single Web site he visits with crazy paranoia; although, that can be managed with accountability software, and it’s actually a good idea for couples who have kids or spend a lot of time separate in the house). Married couples deal with lust often, because it’s part of common human greed to keep desiring something that God didn’t intend for one to have. Satan tries to destroy God’s covenant between two people that way, and sadly, lust is probably the biggest issue among married couples.

What does the Bible say about all of this? It says in John 8:44, “(Satan) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” In John 10:10, the Bible talks about Satan being the thief who comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but Jesus came so that we might have life to the fullest.

The thing we need to pay attention to in these verses is what Satan does versus what Jesus did. Suicide is killing and stealing from God, and thinking that is okay even when you’re a Christian is a lie.

I believe that the misery these destructive thoughts come from is mostly created by my mind. My issues I know for a fact do not even come close to the severity of other couples’ or individuals’ problems. I’m thankful that he is honest with me as a husband and is trying his best with God’s help to rid his mind of lustful thoughts when they come up. The reality that sin exists shouldn’t drive me to the wall. Even if your spouse doesn’t even try to live godly or be pure (I thank the Lord that mine does), not deserving of help or forgiveness, we should all still try our best to live a godly and pure life for God, if not for our spouse or ourselves.

I do agree that it’s hard to listen to spiritual counseling or even advice from people who haven’t gone through or aren’t going through the very struggles they talk about. I carry my experiences throughout this blog as I write each entry, and every issue I bring up here was and is being dealt with between my husband and I on a daily basis. We humbly admit that we are sinners and are weak, but God’s grace and power help us to renew our lives to be pure as well as to extend our experiences to you.

Your body doesn’t belong to you: “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

The solution is not suicide. It’s faith: “We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” – Psalms 33:20-22

Christ promises rest in Him: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28

If you have suicidal thoughts, it’s best to read what the Bible has to say about the gravity of preserving life and also the importance of carrying out your purpose in living. Find more verses dealing with suicide here. Find a godly person or somebody close to you to talk with about your problems. When I had these negative thoughts spring into my head again last night, I told my husband about it, and he told me to turn to the Word when I told him there was nothing he could do. At some given point in a situation, only God can take control of it. Your spouse is not your god and savior (as lovely and cute as he may be!) We should be glad that our spouses aren’t our gods. It helps give us perspective when we get disappointed, but we must also admit that we ourselves are as imperfect as they are.

Please blog about suicide prevention as well. Learn more about this here.

Blogging For Suicide Prevention Badge

USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.
Blogging For Suicide Prevention Badge

USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.




Suicide as a solution: The Jim Carroll Band- People Who Died (Ironically, I still love this band and many others, even though they can be lenient towards destructive behavior.)

Faith as a solution: Baptize My Mind – Jon Foreman

25 thoughts on “Kill Suicide: Your Life’s Not Your Own

  1. It’s very easy to think about death as the solution to all of lifes problems; death and running away – anything to avoid confrontation.
    Anytime I think my life is a mess and that I will never achieve anything I wonder if I should just give up.
    But I have to remain hopeful that things will fall into place, and my worries that I will grow old, alone and never find a job I love just have to be pushed to the back of my mind.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, it takes courage to be open like this. Your post is definitely Divinely Guided, I am sure many people will be blessed by this

    Heartfelt thanks to you dear

  3. Funny that you post this as I was just discussing suicide/life and giving up with a friend who was having those thoughts. they really are normal and shouldn’t be hidden but talked openly about. i hope people find this post who need it.

  4. Amen Rachel! Right on the money.

    I think the accountability software is nice for when you have young boys int he house, but that stuff my husband could easily get around because he is such a computer geek. None of that worked at all so I take the laptop with me whenever I leave the house, he has no internet connection on his phone, I have deep password protection on our PS3 that he could only get around if he reset all the settings (which would of course tell me immediately that he did something). so yeah. . .I could list you the 5 ways he was able to get around that software (a few different ones).

    I know how you feel though. It is as if every time my husband leaves the house I have to pray that no one will cause him to stumble. It is good that he fights it so much and really feels completely healed but I still worry “what if he goes back to that?”

    I had manic depression as a child but Jesus healed me from that. I only ever wanted to die once and put loads of pills in my mouth in front of my mom (who grabbed them out of my mouth immediately) when I was 16 (right before Rob and I became a couple). Otherwise I never wanted to end my life and could never even think about such a thing. . .I fear God. Anyway you and I have talked about suicide semi-recently. It is really sad and upsetting when people do such things. Sin is ugly.

    1. Yeah, I’m a computer geek too, and I know for a fact that things slip up on their own even without finding ways to go around software. That doesn’t mean accountability software is completely useless for even the computer-savvy because at least while trying to find ways to go around software, there is still at least the time and effort involved in trying to achieve this, so giving into temptation is harder and longer to get to (even when possible with software) than without the software at all. I’m glad that my husband isn’t too techy, but then again, lust and all other addictions can really make anyone more crafty and a master of their own sin.

      That’s interesting to know what things you enforce to keep the internet away from your husband while you’re away from him, though. Just recently, my husband was given an iPhone by his parents because we needed the internet on it to do price comparisons while we’re on the go. He later gave it up to me because he said he was really tempted while using the phone in the bathroom while at work. I had my worries, and I’m glad he admitted his struggle to me before it became a huge problem again in his life. Last night I told my husband not to leave the laptop in our room (the table is on his side of the bed) because I have witnessed my own brothers view porn on their computers while thinking I was asleep when I was a child. It was not fun for me at all to have witnessed those things. It really changed my upbringing. I’m glad we’re not the only couple who enforces these things on our lives but at the same time giving each other enough trust to let them go out on their own and not be paranoid (our trust is in God). I probably do not need to know the tricks of getting around software because I would rather not know new ones if there are some other tricks I do not know off. When I was younger, I used to steal software a lot because I had always been techy since childhood. I really don’t do that anymore and would not like to give in to the lie that stealing software and mp3s are okay because the companies that own these things are wealthy anyway… stealing is stealing.

      About suicide: sadly, these thoughts come to my head every so often (and even just a day before I wrote this entry). It’s hard to admit it because I’m supposed to have pure thoughts (like guys are with lust) being a Christian, but it is a reality that thoughts like these will never stop from coming… but it’s what you do about them, even in your head, that matters. When I get these thoughts, I just think about what God would really have me think or do in this situation instead. I’m glad that I know for certain that God is real because I see his works happening all the time because I would be completely hopeless if He weren’t. “Fighting the good fight” is what I remembered you saying when you talked about what your pastor’s wife didn’t do when she committed suicide. Although I could understand her desire to die (much like our spouses understand men’s desire for sexual gratification), it’s never okay to give in to those things. We fight so hard with Christ helping us through all of this, and people just kill themselves with no effort at all to continue living or people give into temptation constantly with no effort to even keep their minds or bodies pure… it’s just all laziness.

      1. not like there are any “tricks” to get around the software, it is more like he knows computers so well that the software is NOTHING to him. It is as if he would be able to do all he wants even if it was on there. .I just mean that he knows how to cut through everything in other ways so well that for us the software is pathetic and stupid, while for others it is probably wonderful and incredibly helpful. I put the software on the computer before Leto was born and my husband laughed at it right away. He had no problem getting around it in 1 minute. Has nothing to do with leaks at all. I can’t explain what I mean, but I played sooooo stupid back then thinking and trusting that it was the best way. That was also when we used to have 3 PCs. We went down to just one laptop. My husband NEVER EVER viewed or felt tempted to view porn while I was at home with him, if he had me there then he would enjoy me, it was only when I was out of the house that he was tempted. He knows of people who would look or wake up and do that though and he still doesn’t get that at all, but knows that if that is how some people are then so be it. For him it would be more like if he was in the mood at like 2AM, all he would have to do is tap my shoulder and cuddle me and I’d be willing right away :: shrugs :: because that’s how I’ve always been. His addiction was much different than what we have heard of other guys though. Very “innocent” even though it was still damaging and horrible. but that probably makes no sense as it does in my head as I type this.

        about computer stuff though . He has worked with computers since he was 3 – building, rebuilding. . .oh goodness the things he would do to get to his addiction that he once had. And I played stupid. He told me evvvvverything though and when we got our PS3 we did loads of research of if there were ways for him to get around it and couldn’t find anything so that’s why we have that (we used to have a wii. . .easy for him to get around me finding him out and it worked).

        Suicide: That’s wonderful! And yeah. . I did say that a lot (about fighting the good fight). I think overall for BOTH of these issues, accountability and giving it up to Jesus and surrendering it to Him is the only way out. I know for my Rob’s former porn addictions he went into these cycles of fighting, it wasn’t until he surrendered completely to Christ to take the reigns and take control of his life and when he realized he had to tell me everything that he found healing from his addiction. So here he is a recovering porn addict and lust addict who hasn’t lusted or had any cravings for his past since he surrendered it all and told me everything (well he does lust for me all the time though, but that’s acceptable).

        So yeah, I never leave the house alone without my laptop!

      2. Oh, that makes perfect sense! Do not worry. I actually forgot to mention what my husband’s response was when I told him not to leave the laptop in our room while we’re sleeping! He was surprised because he said he never feels tempted to view porn when I’m with him! That made me feel relieved because I am always a giving person to him—much like you are in that matter haha. :) How lucky our husbands are! All wives should always give and never turn their husbands down—to not do this is just “inviting the devil into your marriage” is what my friend’s pastor said. He did understand though why I had that worry when I told him what I just told you about my brothers’ computers growing up (they each had their own laptop while we were all living together).

        I advised Rob not to go on directly if he was searching for a particular video but instead type the name out in Google, then click on the link to go there directly. Although Youtube has content restrictions, without logging in, you still get to see most of the content. The featured videos on the front page also reflect the most viewed videos, and they aren’t always the cleanest out there, so that’s why I came up with searching on Google (then clicking on the link to go to the video) as a way around the homepage. Even with that though, the related videos on the current video being watched still show totally unrelated videos and some of them have dirty thumbnail photos. I wish Youtube would be smarter than this and accurately detect if a video is really related to the current video being watched or not.

        Does your Rob not work with computers at work? Mine does being a copyeditor and he has two computers, one gov and one non-gov, so the non-gov is really not being “watched”. He did say that he was tempted to view things on there too, but he got to work around that by tilting the computer to where he knows someone else can see it besides himself, so he’d feel less tempted.

        These things all sound so specific, but I think these measures are all really important especially for people who have had major addictions before. I don’t think these things are “too much” either. One woman in our bible study group even said that we were being too hard on ourselves and that we should just trust God and these things will go away, but what she didn’t realize at first was how much of a problem it was in our lives prior to being married. Thankfully, all the men in the room agreed with us that lust was a very serious problem in their minds as well… Not a lot of women really know how big of a concern it really is. We do believe that putting your faith in God is the main reason why we are able to turn away from lust—without it, we’d just be on our own, and fighting sin without God is not possible.

        That’s interesting about the Wii! I did see your Facebook status about selling your Wii. Were you able to sell it? I suggest doing it online instead of retail stores because retail stores hardly give you anything back. We sold our PS2 online for a MUCH better price than at GameStop. Anyway, we still have the Wii and PS3, but both things are at home. I don’t think we’ve had issues with any of them except for games with a lot of scantily-clad women. We use our laptops to surf the internet, but the Netflix is on the PS3.

  5. This post is right on time. Christmas seems the time of year when so many suffer from hope and despair. There are tons of reasons we could point to such as less daylight hours, it’s so cold, etc. but what’s missing is faith. I’ve stumbled this post.

  6. The thing with Netflix that I like is that IF he were to watch something on there, it shows up in my “recently watched” and there is no way to turn that off.

    He does work with a computer every day at work. He used to actually print out pictures of girls in underwear (which was what he got off on, which I know most men need it further and further) there and go in the bathroom and then when he was all done put them in this box that gets crushed or burned or something like that so no one would ever see it. Now though he honestly is not tempted to ever look at anything at all these days. I ask him often if he was tempted or not in the day (since the temptation is not a sin, but the giving into it is) and he has this process where he wants to BE the church OUTSIDE of the church and the porn doesn’t call to him one bit, his struggle has been watching what he says (because he uses profanities only at work and hates it with a passion so he fights it a LOT there). He works around mechanics all day long and they are potty mouths, and recently we dug the root cause of why he swears only at work and what got him to do that starting through his childhood and it has helped him a lot but he still slips. . .so porn is not the issue for him in his struggles at all anymore, or lust (and sadly that is the only place where I have to completely trust him to be honest with me). When girls wearing hardly anything come into his work place he does “the Holy Hop” with his eyes. . where he will turn his head (these people usually go to the service dept., not the parts dept. where he works). He has been training himself a lot with his focus on Christ throughout a day and on me so that he would not have wandering eyes that begin to lust. . . we’re preparing for the warmer weather since it is cold right now and he works in garage climate where everyone is bundled currently. Whatever he is doing it is working. It is helping him a lot. He tells me now when he slips up with language at work. He really feels strongly about God’s promise to him about not falling back into what he had been into before with lusting after others and pornography and masturbation.

    I agree with you completely on how a lot of women seem to reject and deject their husbands which sadly can trigger them to go crazy and want to be tempted. I always loved the passage in the Bible that talked about how through mutual agreement a husband and wife should take a little time out from sex with each other so that they can pray and learn about God together and keep their focus maintained not on each other but on Him which will strengthen their marriage. And then it states “but come together” for sex so that Satan can not tempt them since they’ll have that time apart from touching each other and such! Thing is I have always been the more “jump your bones” type in the relationship and Rob used to all the time give me the “I’m too tired” or the “I’m not in the mood” because while I was working (back in the day) he was home looking at pornography and masturbating (he used to have Fridays off and I didn’t) but this happened more than once a week. It was really hard on me as a newlywed because here I was so excited to share myself with my husband and I was hardly ever touched at all. Now when we don’t do it, it is usually in a case where one of us is really sick (like throwing up from a virus) or when I have my period (granted I still give him sexual attention).

    Have you watched Mark Driscolls’ sermon series called “Peasant Princess”??? It is amazing and recommended for alllllll people. My one best friend who has a husband that has gone 4 years in recovery without giving into his temptations gave it to us and we recommend it to everyone now. It’s awesome.

    We do still have the wii. I take the wii-motes still with me whenever I leave the house because of it. Been trying to sell it but not success. We were very close to selling it to someone but then the guy got fired from his job! He was going to give us money the day after, but oh well. not anymore. I could always try on ebay or something right?

    1. Ebay/Amazon reply on your blog!

      It helps to hear about your experiences and your past struggles with your husband! It’s refreshing to hear especially about the change God brings to couples’ lives once we let God into the picture. My husband claims I am more “active” than he is hehe, but I think that has a lot to do with thinking about wanting only him all day when he comes home from work—yes, quite similar to your libido! I have never lusted over a guy since being married, but I have struggled in other ways such as showing my body off given the opportunity during the first few months of marriage (I rarely do now). We both have struggles in our own ways.

      Yes, I love that passage you mentioned! God knows how Satan works so well, and sex within marriage was given as a concession so we don’t burn in passion—and it happens all the time.

      I have heard of Mark Driscoll’s series, but I haven’t given it a chance yet, but now that you’ve mentioned it, I really should check it out.

      1. Thanks. My husband’s struggles aren’t so long ago compared to yours but I am really thankful and excited about what God has been doing in his life and transforming him. There is a huge difference in our sex life hahaha. I really am much more active than my Rob though, it’s true. haha. Same reason as you say. I never had a lust problem at all though. Rob’s the only guy I’ve ever lusted over, honestly. —-rest of the comment made private——

      2. Haha! Right on! :) My mother-in-law reads my blog hehe, but she is very open with these thing with us anyway… which is so rare for a mother, but I love it! —-rest of the comment made private——

  7. I really needed to read this right now and actually feel like God sent it to me through you. I appreciate your honesty and courage to speak on topics too many feel uncomfortable with.
    I am dealing with many personal issues now and the only solution is to pray and ask God to take care of things in the best way. I have learned that pain has a purpose and that discomfort leads to something better on the other side as long as you don’t medicate it through drugs or alcohol and allow yourself to feel the feelings.
    I actually decided to take a year away from men because I felt my lust was causing me harm and not leading me to a healthy relationship. I want to relate to men as equals–as people rather than sex objects (yes, women can objectify men, too) and also not to present myself as an object to them. After four months I can already see a change in myself in terms of the way I view men and understanding the way I used them to feed my ego.
    I’m glad you are speaking out on issues of porn because when you de-humanize someone else you are also de-humanizing yourself. Like any addiction, too, it escalates and the viewer needs increasingly degrading and de-humanizing images of women to feel satisfied. It is very sick and your husband’s honesty will help him get better. But don’t take it all on yourself. Seek addiction counselling if necessary.

  8. this is such a very inspiring post Rachel…something not everyone is open to talk about…you are so honest and I love the sincerity you put in your words…

    I have these thoughts as well…and yes I always sometimes come to a point that I wanted to stop everything and give up but I guess being able to experience this and accept yourself for who you are will eventually make these thoughts go away…

    Problems will always come that makes us human and will also make us strong…


  9. Marriage isn´t a bed of roses. There should be an open communication between spouses and yes, lots of prayers for spiritual guidance. :)

    Praying for you too, Rach! :)

  10. Just discovered your blog, and although your style is gorgeous, it was your thoughts that really got me following! Someone who can dress good and also THINK good, is a winner in my book.

    That been said, suicide is a sensitive case in my life. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t. I once wanted to die. Like, really, really bad. But that didn’t happen. I survived, I’m still here, I’m beautiful, I’m alive, I’m what I’m meant to be, and I’ll be more and more, as the years pass.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)

  11. First time i see this topic and your blog.

    Do i really love this phrase “What you do about them is what matters” because is so truth, there are many feelings inside us such as sadness and lust.However, we decide which path to take in our lives.

    God bless you. Cuidate.

  12. Rachel,
    thank you so much for participating in the Suicide Awareness Blog Day and for allowing yourself to show vulnerability by sharing your testimonial! Special thanks because you are actually our first participant! :) You are leading the path for others to blog during the month of September to raise awareness. By sharing your story you are breaking the silence and ensuring that others out there know they are not alone.

    MSW@USC community manager.

  13. Hi Rachel,

    This is a very inspiring post. I’m sure you have touched (and saved) lives with your blog.

    We are the same, we also want to spread suicide awareness! We are a trivia business that specialises in creating trivia question packages for fundraising, social and corporate events. We have just started a campaign to raise $1,000 by December 25 to be donated to Lifeline Australia, a crisis support and suicide prevention charity. We aim to achieve this figure by donating 20% of our sales to the organization.

    Help us reach our goal. LIKE our page to help spread awareness at:

    We can all help save lives. Join the fight against suicide.


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