Have you ever been so depressed that you just wanted to “go away” because the problem(s) you’re dealing with never go away? I have to admit I’ve had these thoughts on many occasions—this may sound somewhat suicidal. I never came close to acting on them, though, because I know that my life is not my own. Because I have the knowledge that heaven exists, I have on a number of occasions somehow dangerously justified to myself in my mind that taking one’s own life that’s saved by grace is okay. The reality of death to me was and is a beautiful thing, because what’s waiting on the other side is eternally peaceful. Although my idea of accepting death as a beautiful thing is good, it never is anyone’s right to kill oneself.
It’s easy to shriek when hearing someone talking about death and depression as if no one else thinks about these things. I believe what makes these thoughts healthy or dangerous is the frequency of these thoughts occurring, as well as your heart and actions in response to them. I really think the same thing goes for lusting, which has been a prevalent topic throughout this blog as well as the reason why this blog came into existence. It is never okay to lust, nor is it ever okay to commit suicide, but the truth is, everybody has these kinds of thoughts enter their minds every so often. What you do about them is what matters.
Let me tell you why I have had suicidal thoughts in my past—or at least why I have at times been depressed to the point of wanting to vanish. Prior to being married, I had a lot of issues from outside factors I couldn’t control. One of these factors was situational—a hardship I couldn’t get out of. It had to do with my family, who was loving in every way, yet put me in an endless circumstance I couldn’t bear. Although I had substantial reasons to be miserable, I kept my hopes up and prayed for years for God to take me out of that picture, and He so miraculously did. My family is doing well, and God blessed me with my own family to start by leading me to the path of marriage. The story doesn’t end there, and in fact, the story of my singlehood isn’t what I really wanted to share.
After being married, I knew that problems weren’t going to stop coming. Don’t get me wrong—I am loving my marriage, and my husband is a wonderful man! I couldn’t be any happier if I were with someone else or single. When I said after marriage, I was really referring to the current period of my life (today) and not the marriage itself. Thank God! I have a healthy marriage with a loving and committed man. The point that I was making was about the totality of life and problems never going away no matter how much things change. I was often told that marriage would not be the solution to my problems, and I sure did know this deep down in my heart. I was prepared to enter into yet another challenge, knowing that God is present in my life. Everybody has problems, but not everybody takes advantage of the gift of comfort God provides.
Going back, the dark areas in my thoughts come from the hopelessness I feel for the world around me, particularly regarding sexual purity. I don’t just see lust happening outside of my marriage; I also see it happening on the inside. Because I am so strongly against sexual immorality and pornography, it hurts me most to see it happening all around me as well as to know that my dear husband is constantly struggling to keep his mind pure from images in his past and all around him. Although I welcome my husband’s honest and humble confessions to me about his thought life and past sexual experiences, it kills me every time I hear or think about this. Even though this is tormenting me inside, I believe couples still need to share their faults with each other so that they might help each other and be accountable (Galatians 6:2). Both hearing him confess about his struggle and asking him to be prayed for also help me to stop being selfish for attention and to focus on helping him through prayer and accountability (which doesn’t necessarily mean distrustfully monitoring every single Web site he visits with crazy paranoia; although, that can be managed with accountability software, and it’s actually a good idea for couples who have kids or spend a lot of time separate in the house). Married couples deal with lust often, because it’s part of common human greed to keep desiring something that God didn’t intend for one to have. Satan tries to destroy God’s covenant between two people that way, and sadly, lust is probably the biggest issue among married couples.
What does the Bible say about all of this? It says in John 8:44, “(Satan) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” In John 10:10, the Bible talks about Satan being the thief who comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but Jesus came so that we might have life to the fullest.
The thing we need to pay attention to in these verses is what Satan does versus what Jesus did. Suicide is killing and stealing from God, and thinking that is okay even when you’re a Christian is a lie.
I believe that the misery these destructive thoughts come from is mostly created by my mind. My issues I know for a fact do not even come close to the severity of other couples’ or individuals’ problems. I’m thankful that he is honest with me as a husband and is trying his best with God’s help to rid his mind of lustful thoughts when they come up. The reality that sin exists shouldn’t drive me to the wall. Even if your spouse doesn’t even try to live godly or be pure (I thank the Lord that mine does), not deserving of help or forgiveness, we should all still try our best to live a godly and pure life for God, if not for our spouse or ourselves.
I do agree that it’s hard to listen to spiritual counseling or even advice from people who haven’t gone through or aren’t going through the very struggles they talk about. I carry my experiences throughout this blog as I write each entry, and every issue I bring up here was and is being dealt with between my husband and I on a daily basis. We humbly admit that we are sinners and are weak, but God’s grace and power help us to renew our lives to be pure as well as to extend our experiences to you.
Your body doesn’t belong to you: “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
The solution is not suicide. It’s faith: “We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” – Psalms 33:20-22
Christ promises rest in Him: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28
If you have suicidal thoughts, it’s best to read what the Bible has to say about the gravity of preserving life and also the importance of carrying out your purpose in living. Find more verses dealing with suicide here. Find a godly person or somebody close to you to talk with about your problems. When I had these negative thoughts spring into my head again last night, I told my husband about it, and he told me to turn to the Word when I told him there was nothing he could do. At some given point in a situation, only God can take control of it. Your spouse is not your god and savior (as lovely and cute as he may be!) We should be glad that our spouses aren’t our gods. It helps give us perspective when we get disappointed, but we must also admit that we ourselves are as imperfect as they are.
Suicide as a solution: The Jim Carroll Band- People Who Died (Ironically, I still love this band and many others, even though they can be lenient towards destructive behavior.)
Faith as a solution: Baptize My Mind – Jon Foreman